take on me.

We're talking away
I don't know what
I'm to say I'll say it anyway
Today's another day to find you
Shying away
I'll be coming for your love, OK?

I am ornery. I am hungry. I am stressed out.

Take on me, take me on
I'll be gone
In a day or two

Needless to say, I can't continue to be unemployed for much longer. It is a purpose-less life. I need purpose and I am learning that it's not about the money or material things. It is having a purpose, but then I see life and religion are my purpose and I am redirecting my life to those things. However, being in the Low Country is beyond me. This place is kryptonite to my happy sauce and I am a huge condiment girl. The charm has warn away with me. I need other people that march to the beat of their own drum, not spanish moss conformity that overtakes a tree's identity. That's what this place is. Needless to say I'm odds and ends, but that's me stumbling away, slowly learning that life is ok...

So needless to say
I'm odds and ends
But that's me stumbling away
Slowly learning that life is OK.
Say after me
It's no better to be safe than sorry

Take on me, take me on
I'll be gone
In a day or two

Oh the things that you say
Is it life or
Just a play my worries away
You're all the things I've got to
remember
You're shying away
I'll be coming for you anyway

Take on me, take me on
I'll be gone
In a day or two

sing along.

let me preface my life from before my enlightening trip. i am in a completely different place. made apparent by interpersonal relationships. and the new influences of fresh faces in my life. my values have shifted priorities. i reach for new goals. i see myself in a different place than before i left this place. before i left my eyes were filled with haze and it is all much clearer now.

come around come around everybody feels alone
turn around turn around I can help you make it home
you started to believe that you’d never win
everybody everybody gets a chance to start again

you reach out across the divide
I reach out from the other side

i can't even put to words everything i feel or have felt lately. i just know that my feet are planted on a path (less taken). i set my compass down to rest and found it was best tool yet. it jiggled aimlessly in all sorts of directions...no matter how i got there it brought me to open my heart and soul a little wider.

I'm only singing what life’s been bringing
if you feel it why don’t you sing along
from the beginning this life’s been winning
if you feel it I know it can’t be wrong

come around come around everybody’s making love
turn around turn around looking for the meaning of
you started to believe you’d never find
everybody everybody’s looking for a star to shine

you reach out across the divide
I reach out from the other side

I'm only singing what life’s been bringing
if you feel it why don’t you sing along
from the beginning this life’s been winning
if you feel it I know it can’t be wrong

its about holding on
its about letting go
its about not enough
its about I don’t know
its about everything you could believe in… you believed in
its about holding on
its about letting go
its about not enough
its about I don’t know
its about wanting just a little bit more... yea…
don’t you want a little more… ahhhh
don’t you want a little more

right now, i feel like the decisions i will make from this moment on reflect the effects the moon has on a person from the other side of the world. i was taken out of my element and brought back to my reality. i was living in idealism for awhile. the group of people i experienced in that unique circumstance have their own string set upon my heart. like a rubberband ball or a jumbled mess of yarn i have been strung with fresh moments that have me holding on, letting go, and wanting just a little bit more.

and I'm only singing what life’s been bringing
if you feel it why don’t you sing along
(why don't you sing along)
from the beginning this life’s been winning
if you feel it I know it can’t be wrong

I'm only singing what life’s been bringing
if you feel it why don’t you sing along
(why don't you sing why don't you sing along)
from the beginning this life’s been winning
if you feel it I know it can’t be wrong
if you feel it I know it can’t be wrong
(I know it can't be wrong)
if you feel it why don’t you sing along

come around come around everybody’s making love
turn around turn around looking for the meaning of

show me what i'm looking for.

Whitney: Honestly, when in your life are you ever going to get the chance to do that again?
Lauren: A midnight tour of Paris? Probably never.
Whitney: Never, right?

I am so relieved to have this week behind me. The gusts of wind and pollen have wreaked havoc on my immune system. I was exposed to the elements and the elements won. Fashion week has come and gone as quickly as a girl who shows up to the party late and leaves early, just enough to keep the crowd wanting more. Unfortunately, for me, on Saturday night I was that girl who left her dignity in a cup and her keys in the Bermuda Triangle.

Today, I sit here wishing I did not go to that party at all. C'est la vie would be appropo here. It could have been far worse. I could have gotten pulled and my car could have been towed. I count my blessings none of those things happened and I count the days I have left here until my character changes. Either way I will come back a changed person. I will return more or less motivated to find a job. I will return with a resolve to my situation and a plan.

I will definitely start packing and figure out what will be my "midnight tour of Paris" and if I will get swept away by it. I suppose all this time I have been waiting for something to show me what I'm looking for.

Save me I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for

Oh Lord
Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse

In light of recent events and conversations I have developed a new theory on matters of the heart. To grow you must experience four things: true lustful admiration (read: the guy that's good on paper), disappointment in yourself that yields growth (read: the guy you are embarrassed to admit you dated), a severe heartbreak (read: the guy that you wore your heart on your sleeve for), and a disasterous heartbroken (read: the guy you crushed).

Lately, I have met people in the most unconventional way and I wonder what their first impression of me is. I wonder if I am being appropriately portrayed and if that is helping or hindering me in my Charleston life. In Clemson, I would have to say that my association with people and places, or my reputation have often preceded me. If you meet someone, in any small college town, people will have seen you or heard of you already. Towards the end of college I couldn't stand that because I had to "meet" people that I already knew about. So I started to feel like I didn't know how to react. Do I like them off the bat and give them the benefit of the doubt or do I just treat them with the way my friends already feel for them.

Either way, I am beginning to feel like that's all I know. I am stuck in a place where an old impression of me is and the current me is trying to fit in. But people come and go in this town often and the turnover is tremendously frequent like seasons. In the meantime, I'll be breaking hearts and taking names and numbers just for fun, stealin kisses, wishin I was 21.

the wind cries mary. (maybe tina).

AFTER ALL JACKS ARE IN THEIR BOXES
AND THE CLOWNS HAVE ALL GONE TO BED
YOU CAN HEAR HAPPINESS STAGGERING ON DOWN THE STREET
FOOTPRINTS DRESSED IN RED

AND THE WIND WHISPERS MARY

For the first time, in a very long time, I have felt a whisper "come hither" in the air. For probably the first time in my life, my mom is on board to my reckless abandon. I believe the "well you can do what you want" sealed the deal. This encroaching experience is about to set my future in motion. Not because it holds any secrets, but because it holds new lessons and habits and idiosyncrasies unique to my particular combination of events.

A BROOM IS DREARILY SWEEPING
UP THE BROKEN PIECES OF YESTERDAY'S LIFE
SOMEWHERE A QUEEN IS WEEPING
SOMEWHERE A KING HAS NO WIFE

AND THE WIND CRIES MARY

If I am going to do something like this, then it's the time. No strings attached. I am free to roam the wild and only enjoy things that bring me pleasure, not suffer through things that make me miserable. Selfish, much? I hope not. I hope to grow out of 22 and into 23 after this. Today, many friends and especially my mom have asked,"So when are you coming back?" and the truth is,"I haven't bought a ticket home, yet."

It's not like I am thinking something will happen for me out west. What I imagine will happen is that it will be like a month long spring break. My mom was trying to encourage me to call so and so, or set up interviews. That all sounds reasonable thanks for the nudge, mom; however, I had envisioned a low expectation visit. I want my goals to be what I plan on having for lunch or dinner. Did I meet or fail those expectations? I mean baby steps really. Let's be realistic, I have very limited cash flow. Not much to show for the lack thereof either.

THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS THEY TURN A BLUE TOMORROW
AND SHINE THER EMPTINESS DOWN ON MY BED
THE TINY ISLAND SAGS DOWNSTREAM
CAUSE THE LIFE THAT LIVED IS DEAD

AND THE WIND SCREAMS MARY

I am not sure what is in store for me in the future, near or far. I tell people that I just want fate to hit me smack in the middle of the street. I suppose I have to go chasing fate half way around the world. Not sure where he is or what he looks like but I figure if I have low expectations, then I would meet him cordially like an old friend. We could share sunset cocktails on the beaches of Kaua'i. Or we could brush past each other in the airport. All I know is that fate is my journey. Maybe all I have to gain is meeting myself for the second or third time in my life now, 'cause the life that lived is dead.

WILL THE WIND EVER REMEMBER
THE NAMES IT HAS BLOWN IN THE PAST
AND WITH ITS CRUTCH ITS OLD AGE AND ITS WISDOM
IT WHISPERS "NO, THIS WILL BE THE LAST"

AND THE WIND CRIES MARY

Whatever falls upon my lap will be a welcome change to my constant view of South Carolina. Perhaps, if I have nothing to gain then it is appreciation for my under appreciated, taken for granted Low Country lifestyle. I definitely can't wait to put it all on cruise control for a while. Hopefully, get this funk out of my system and return ready to create that identity for myself because I have been suffering from quite the identity crisis.

new soul.

I'm a new soul I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

This week, I have completely sensitive and unhappy. My birthday has a way of bringing it out in me, I guess. I am like a stubbed toe throbbing in pain, just waiting for the misery to subside. I just feel like I can't do anything right lately. So I am changing my surroundings for awhile.

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

In three weeks, I leave for Northern California. Similar to Elizabeth's journey in "Eat, Pray, Love" I will embark on my own travels for self-discovery, self-satisfaction, and self-appreciation. My travels to CA will coincide with the Buddhist New Year and provide much needed prayer for my starving soul. In five weeks, from now, I will be boarding a flight to Kaua'i to meet many new friends and learn one better. These opportunities have fallen into my lap and well I was one to seize them. I look forward to learning what is true and fake and search for trust and love, especially since I know of little quantities of each.

This is a happy end
Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong

This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away

In the meantime, I will be working my ass off to pay for the rest of my flights. Shame on me for reckless spending in Greenville. Yet, I do have RJD2 to look forward to on April 1st in Asheville. It will be my last Southeastern social engagement until the middle of May. Well, ok, April 5th to see Sol Driven Train at the Pourhouse after the Cooper River Bridge Run. I hope to stay on top of my blog during my travels. So please, comment often and check back regularly. I have never been happier for my decisions. I usually never let an idea take off on whim like this. I usually try to live in a petri-dish of control, but where has that gotten me? I still make the worst possible mistakes within the petri-dish. Like I am invincible or something. This will be a rude awakening to break the plastic and shatter expectations. It has been greatly overdue.

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

This was my "Free Will Astrology" from the Charleston City Paper this week,

'Musician Sarah McLachlan told the crowd at one of her concerts: 'I feel great about singing really depressing songs." In the U2 song " A Man and A Woman," Bono sings, "The only pain is to feel nothing at all." They are your role models in the coming week, Pisces. I hope they inspire you to feel grateful for your capacity to experience such intensive emotions. You're lucky to be so sensitive! You're blessed to have so much vital force! So please celebrate your talent for feeling melancholy and overwhelmed. Congratulate yourself for being such a connoisseur of guilt, confusion, and anxiety. You're more alive than other people. You've got a soul as big and wide and deep as the Amazon River.'

thank you (falettinme be mice elf agin).

Today, I spent 23 years under the radar.

Lookin' at the devil
Grinnin' at his gun
Fingers start shakin'
I begin to run
Bullets start chasin'
I begin to stop
We begin to wrestle
I was on the top

I received a birthday call from S this morning. She has known me since high school and well she's the only one that tells me how it is, with a nudge in the ribs. She asked,"How is your day so far?" and I replied, "I hate this time of year." Rather, "I hate this time of my life" would have been more appropriate.

I want to thank you falettinme
Be mice elf agin
Thank you falettinme
Be mice elf agin

Stiff all in the collar
Fluffy in the face
Chit chat chatter tryin'
Stuffy in the place
Thank you for the party
But I could never stay
Many thangs is on my mind
Words in the way

It is common knowledge that I am mental. My defensive thinking is to set myself up for failure so that I don't fall so far or so that it's not a surprise when it happens. However, rationally, what I have been doing is not committing to something and just failing to decide on my path. What I have decided on is to not make any commitments this year. I just want to bask under the sun without obligations. I need it's warmth and anything that gets in my way will harm me. I need to be free. I wouldn't survive any other way.

I want to thank you falettinme
Be mice elf agin
Thank you falettinme
Be mice elf agin

Dance to the music
All nite long
Everyday people
Sing a simple song
Mama's so happy
Mama start to cry
Papa still singin'
You can make it if you try

In terms of the one that seems to get under my skin lately. That is not normal. The bubble just burst. In the meantime, sewing class exasperates me and makes me want to buy more dresses than I would ever have the patience to make.

I want to thank you falettinme
Be mice elf agin
(Different strokes for different folks, yeah)
Thank you falettinme
Be mice elf agin

Flamin' eyes of people fear
Burnin' into you
Many men are missin' much
Hatin' what they do
Youth and truth are makin' love
Dig it for a starter, now
Dyin' young is hard to take
Sellin' out is harder

Aren't we all fearful people in general? I am tremendously fearful. I fear the known, status quo, and what lies ahead. I need to start looking into alternatives to finding a job/life. Most of all I need to commit. To something. Thank you falettinme be mice elf agin.

Thank you falettinme
Be mice elf agin
I want to thank you falettinme
Be mice elf agin
Thank you falettinme
Be mice elf agin
Thank you falettinme
Be mice elf agin
I want to thank you falettinme
Be mice elf agin

long way to go.

I feel so defeated. I came home, finally, from another weekend on the road and feel defeated. Same rut, new week. All I have accomplished are small feats and short decisions--that seem to reflect negative sentiments of a word we like to use as...."no". I thought I was going to take this weekend off and avoid complicated thinking, but I suppose I took the weekend off "on the road" and had only complicated thoughts to fill the time and miles of the vast bulk, that is, South Carolina.

I wore my boots out walkin'
I wore my heart out talkin'
I broke the chain & felt the pain
But I still got a long way to go

In terms of Gilbert Blythe*, I just feel like it isn't normal to like and hate someone so strongly in one breath. Perhaps, it is just my nature to be riding the wave of extremes. I must make bi-polar decisions. According to Emily, I have a mean voice and a nice voice and apparently she rarely hears of the latter. She mimics me when I am in a "nice voice" mood. She might be too wise for her own good, and in true Emily fashion she has invited me to "talk it out" with her in a "session"--which is our family term, for therapy. However, I could not rob her of 10 years of innocence for my wayward ways.

Been on the road ‘til tomorrow
Been through the joys & the sorrows
Came through the flood
& I pulled through the mud
But i still got a long way to go

On Saturday, K. Lav and I got our palms read "for charity" in Five Points. Her reading was much more interesting than mine, but I couldn't help but wonder if a leprechaun marked me for the holiday with a huge wall of shame on my face. If he did, then I am certain it read like this, "You will be minimally useful in your lifetime" oh and, "maybe you'll die in the next five years...tragically", "make your two wishes, you paid me $5 already". Ok, so it wasn't as simple as that and I am sure all of that couldn't fit on my face. Basically, I was told that I am involved with someone in a rocky situation, but I like him plenty. Everything else is fuzzy because I was hard of hearing over the poor band choices at this year's festivities. Let it be known that the festival got rained out and we had to retreat before The Avett Bros had a failed opportunity to take the stage. So yes, the other bands were not up to par. Anyway, what advice did my clairvoyant bestow onto me? None, nothing to whisper "stand by your man" or "weather the storm" or "run like hell, darlin". Of course the whole charade is a crock. But what do you tell a girl in my situation? With a guy in my situation? I am at the corner Turn Your Heels Ave. and Kick The Curb Street. And I still got a looong way to go.

Been in the back-room dealin'
Been on a long hook reelin'
Crashed in the shed
& I woke in a sunny bed
& I still got a long way to go

Been on the rails & big muddy
I've crossed the trails rocky & rutted
Been down the road a million miles
But I still got a long way to go

I've traveled near & traveled far
I beat a hole in my guitar
Crawled with the zeroes
& I stood with my heroes
& I still got a long way to go

I have since returned from a second round interview in Greenville. And to follow suit with the rest of this blog by deciding not to accept any offer for this position. I pray that THE call is made to someone else and I will not have to verbally send my decline into the universe. My mom walked through the door and said what a waste of a trip and money this weekend. I can't help but agree. Usually, I would be thrilled to just steal time away for myself. I just felt unsatisfied as if the universe was punishing me for indulging in such delights. I may be quoted in the past saying that I like job interviews because it gives me an opportunity to hang out on couches and shack up with friends. Well, Sunday afternoon--aside from the super deluxe pedicure train in Cola, became ridiculously unaligned in the stars. I found Caprice intensely hungover from the night before and I came riding in with a circus of a snack run to feed the unborn child/tapeworm in my belly. We ended up watching "No Country for Old Men" while I scarfed down my Milky Way, Publix sandwich, bag of chips, and summer rolls from a hole in the wall. By the end of the movie I declared that I needed my second feeding and well I think Caprice's hungry monster came-a-knockin. So we pile in the car and sit there unable to make a decision for take out because we don't have the stamina to sit in a restaurant. Pathetic, absolutely! So we mess with the points of interest feature on his GPS and I hit "Red Lobster" and just listen to the sexy Brit voice guide on the much scenic-lock-your-doors-out-of-your-way route. So we get home and realize this is the worst meal known to man. Greatly disappointed, and defeated we eat whatever is manageable. Then it was to our usual routine of dodging phone calls and lazing about in front of Family Guy and South Park.

Been in the rain & on the run
I worked a long day in the sun
I slopped the pails
& I beat the nails
But I still got a long way to go

I tried the a verse as the b verse
I took the c verse to the chorus
Rewrote & changed it
Then rearranged it
& I still got a long way to go

I lost my way in darkest night
I woke again & saw the light
Opened the book & I took a look
But I still got a long way to go

I suppose it's time to chase another job or kill time. I vote for the latter. I am no longer in any rush for mediocre. I will sustain myself at content in doing nothing until my gears shift to something else. But I really must go at my own speed, until someone has the gall the chase me down...someone in general, not in particular. However, in the meantime I can't help but get lost in my own way. Just trying to follow the beat so I can find my way back. This was on Storypeople, "I have heard some beautiful notes in my life, she said, but they were nothing without the rest of the music, too."

Tell me what . . . what is the soul of a man?
He's got to reach up his hand
Tell me what . . . what is the soul of a man?
He's got to reach out his hand
& I still got a long way to go