show me what i'm looking for.

Whitney: Honestly, when in your life are you ever going to get the chance to do that again?
Lauren: A midnight tour of Paris? Probably never.
Whitney: Never, right?

I am so relieved to have this week behind me. The gusts of wind and pollen have wreaked havoc on my immune system. I was exposed to the elements and the elements won. Fashion week has come and gone as quickly as a girl who shows up to the party late and leaves early, just enough to keep the crowd wanting more. Unfortunately, for me, on Saturday night I was that girl who left her dignity in a cup and her keys in the Bermuda Triangle.

Today, I sit here wishing I did not go to that party at all. C'est la vie would be appropo here. It could have been far worse. I could have gotten pulled and my car could have been towed. I count my blessings none of those things happened and I count the days I have left here until my character changes. Either way I will come back a changed person. I will return more or less motivated to find a job. I will return with a resolve to my situation and a plan.

I will definitely start packing and figure out what will be my "midnight tour of Paris" and if I will get swept away by it. I suppose all this time I have been waiting for something to show me what I'm looking for.

Save me I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for

Oh Lord
Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse

In light of recent events and conversations I have developed a new theory on matters of the heart. To grow you must experience four things: true lustful admiration (read: the guy that's good on paper), disappointment in yourself that yields growth (read: the guy you are embarrassed to admit you dated), a severe heartbreak (read: the guy that you wore your heart on your sleeve for), and a disasterous heartbroken (read: the guy you crushed).

Lately, I have met people in the most unconventional way and I wonder what their first impression of me is. I wonder if I am being appropriately portrayed and if that is helping or hindering me in my Charleston life. In Clemson, I would have to say that my association with people and places, or my reputation have often preceded me. If you meet someone, in any small college town, people will have seen you or heard of you already. Towards the end of college I couldn't stand that because I had to "meet" people that I already knew about. So I started to feel like I didn't know how to react. Do I like them off the bat and give them the benefit of the doubt or do I just treat them with the way my friends already feel for them.

Either way, I am beginning to feel like that's all I know. I am stuck in a place where an old impression of me is and the current me is trying to fit in. But people come and go in this town often and the turnover is tremendously frequent like seasons. In the meantime, I'll be breaking hearts and taking names and numbers just for fun, stealin kisses, wishin I was 21.