long way to go.

I feel so defeated. I came home, finally, from another weekend on the road and feel defeated. Same rut, new week. All I have accomplished are small feats and short decisions--that seem to reflect negative sentiments of a word we like to use as...."no". I thought I was going to take this weekend off and avoid complicated thinking, but I suppose I took the weekend off "on the road" and had only complicated thoughts to fill the time and miles of the vast bulk, that is, South Carolina.

I wore my boots out walkin'
I wore my heart out talkin'
I broke the chain & felt the pain
But I still got a long way to go

In terms of Gilbert Blythe*, I just feel like it isn't normal to like and hate someone so strongly in one breath. Perhaps, it is just my nature to be riding the wave of extremes. I must make bi-polar decisions. According to Emily, I have a mean voice and a nice voice and apparently she rarely hears of the latter. She mimics me when I am in a "nice voice" mood. She might be too wise for her own good, and in true Emily fashion she has invited me to "talk it out" with her in a "session"--which is our family term, for therapy. However, I could not rob her of 10 years of innocence for my wayward ways.

Been on the road ‘til tomorrow
Been through the joys & the sorrows
Came through the flood
& I pulled through the mud
But i still got a long way to go

On Saturday, K. Lav and I got our palms read "for charity" in Five Points. Her reading was much more interesting than mine, but I couldn't help but wonder if a leprechaun marked me for the holiday with a huge wall of shame on my face. If he did, then I am certain it read like this, "You will be minimally useful in your lifetime" oh and, "maybe you'll die in the next five years...tragically", "make your two wishes, you paid me $5 already". Ok, so it wasn't as simple as that and I am sure all of that couldn't fit on my face. Basically, I was told that I am involved with someone in a rocky situation, but I like him plenty. Everything else is fuzzy because I was hard of hearing over the poor band choices at this year's festivities. Let it be known that the festival got rained out and we had to retreat before The Avett Bros had a failed opportunity to take the stage. So yes, the other bands were not up to par. Anyway, what advice did my clairvoyant bestow onto me? None, nothing to whisper "stand by your man" or "weather the storm" or "run like hell, darlin". Of course the whole charade is a crock. But what do you tell a girl in my situation? With a guy in my situation? I am at the corner Turn Your Heels Ave. and Kick The Curb Street. And I still got a looong way to go.

Been in the back-room dealin'
Been on a long hook reelin'
Crashed in the shed
& I woke in a sunny bed
& I still got a long way to go

Been on the rails & big muddy
I've crossed the trails rocky & rutted
Been down the road a million miles
But I still got a long way to go

I've traveled near & traveled far
I beat a hole in my guitar
Crawled with the zeroes
& I stood with my heroes
& I still got a long way to go

I have since returned from a second round interview in Greenville. And to follow suit with the rest of this blog by deciding not to accept any offer for this position. I pray that THE call is made to someone else and I will not have to verbally send my decline into the universe. My mom walked through the door and said what a waste of a trip and money this weekend. I can't help but agree. Usually, I would be thrilled to just steal time away for myself. I just felt unsatisfied as if the universe was punishing me for indulging in such delights. I may be quoted in the past saying that I like job interviews because it gives me an opportunity to hang out on couches and shack up with friends. Well, Sunday afternoon--aside from the super deluxe pedicure train in Cola, became ridiculously unaligned in the stars. I found Caprice intensely hungover from the night before and I came riding in with a circus of a snack run to feed the unborn child/tapeworm in my belly. We ended up watching "No Country for Old Men" while I scarfed down my Milky Way, Publix sandwich, bag of chips, and summer rolls from a hole in the wall. By the end of the movie I declared that I needed my second feeding and well I think Caprice's hungry monster came-a-knockin. So we pile in the car and sit there unable to make a decision for take out because we don't have the stamina to sit in a restaurant. Pathetic, absolutely! So we mess with the points of interest feature on his GPS and I hit "Red Lobster" and just listen to the sexy Brit voice guide on the much scenic-lock-your-doors-out-of-your-way route. So we get home and realize this is the worst meal known to man. Greatly disappointed, and defeated we eat whatever is manageable. Then it was to our usual routine of dodging phone calls and lazing about in front of Family Guy and South Park.

Been in the rain & on the run
I worked a long day in the sun
I slopped the pails
& I beat the nails
But I still got a long way to go

I tried the a verse as the b verse
I took the c verse to the chorus
Rewrote & changed it
Then rearranged it
& I still got a long way to go

I lost my way in darkest night
I woke again & saw the light
Opened the book & I took a look
But I still got a long way to go

I suppose it's time to chase another job or kill time. I vote for the latter. I am no longer in any rush for mediocre. I will sustain myself at content in doing nothing until my gears shift to something else. But I really must go at my own speed, until someone has the gall the chase me down...someone in general, not in particular. However, in the meantime I can't help but get lost in my own way. Just trying to follow the beat so I can find my way back. This was on Storypeople, "I have heard some beautiful notes in my life, she said, but they were nothing without the rest of the music, too."

Tell me what . . . what is the soul of a man?
He's got to reach up his hand
Tell me what . . . what is the soul of a man?
He's got to reach out his hand
& I still got a long way to go